If football Paul thought that having his anus probed by the demanding club board members was humiliating then nothing could prepare him for having to provide a sample of his sperm. Under excruciating pressure and surrounded by the impassive male board members they instruct him to wank himself. They have to be completely sure he hasn’t been using illegal substances before allowing him out on the field. And such a demeaning task should bring him back into line and prevent future misbehaviour. Fortunately the regulations allow the board to do pretty much anything they like to the cocky young athlete.